I’ve honestly no idea what to write tonight, however, the pressure is building behind my eyeballs, the need and urge to write something, anything. I liken it to a boil that requires lancing with the sword of words. The steady click of a keyboard as they spew across the page.

I’m not usually a very organized writer. I’ll write a stream of consciousness spiel and then spend a few hours sculpting it down to something manageable, like an artist who sees the form in the block of stone – only I also make the stone that I’m going to carve. Giving it the rough form that finally allows some unknown process in my mind to excise the excess and bring the final form into being.

Tonight something has brought this to the forefront – my own innate feelings of worthlessness.

I

Feel

Worthless.

I look at my life, at the work I do, the successes I’ve had professionally all mean jack shit to me.

Why, you may you ask?

I honestly have no fucking idea.

I’m successful at work. I have dear friends in my life. I have people I love above all things. I’ve got a more than comfortable life style.

So why the fuck am I so unhappy?

Jealousy?

Fuck that.

Excuse me while I breath and focus.

<Inhale>

<hold for five>

<exhale>

<hold for five>

<repeat>

Jealousy, you’ve no place in my life. Yes, you’re a natural emotion but get the fuck outta my head. You’re not the emotion I want.

Jealousy, I want you to listen to me carefully.

Fuck.

Off.

<Inhale>

<hold for five>

<exhale>

<hold for five>

<repeat>

Get the fuck outta my life. Like now.

And Matt, are you listening?

Really listening?

Are you sure?

<nods>

You are loved.

<Inhale>

<hold for five>

<exhale>

<hold for five>

<repeat>

Jealousy – if you’re still there – fuck off down the road.